As I've been on my rear with a virus (who knew a doctor can't prescribe medication for a virus? huh....anyway) I've had some time to read. So I've read the Ted Dekker trilogy of the Circle.
The first book is Black, the second is Red, and the third is White.

Honestly, if you dig fiction, go the library and get these. They've been out a few years now, and they were amazing! The scene of Eden in the first one brought me to tears in my desire to be home with Jesus. I'm not kidding, and I don't think it was the high fever and Dayquil entirely at fault.

I really encourage anyone who enjoys fiction in the whole espionage, fantasy, spy game genre to check this series out. It's well worth it.

Five Days and Counting

Okay, I admit it. I have trouble slowing down when I'm sick. I've been feeling under the weather for the past five days. It always goes away on it's own. Always. Sometimes. But I'm starting to wonder if it's going to this time. I may have to do the one thing I have such a hard time doing...go to the doctor.

Why does this bother me so? Because I'm the fixer. I mean, my name, according to all of those cheesy Christian store bookmarks and coasters, means "Healing One". I fix everyone else. I don't need fixed. Oh, I know, this sounds ridiculous. But it's there, under the service. It's not an idea that I am regularly aware of, but it is definitely a value that drives me. I encourage others to get help when they need it, but I rarely take that advice. I'm a complete hypocrite in this area.

Isn't self revelation tough?

So, what am I to do? I'll go to the doctor in the morning, for one thing. I'd go today, but I have to teach my class at Taylor. (How do you like that justification?) But I need to do more than this. I mean I have spiritual sickness and emotional sickness as well as my physical ailments. I've got to return to trusting my friends and letting them into my soul and life.

Sigh...

When? It's easier to write it than to do it.

I honestly don't know. Unfortunately, it won't be today. I am legitimately too busy.

Wow. More than an excuse, I have ordered my life poorly, in such a way that I really have boxed myself in. It will take a while to rework this. But I must. God's been pushing me on it for a while, so I need to keep moving towards this.

He is faithful. I just need to follow. I can do that.

It's the Tom and Chestnut Show

Last night, I was talking to our 7th and 8th graders (who rock, by the way!). We were in the middle of the lesson, and this example popped in my head. Thought I'd share it with all three of you who read this thing.

We have two cats now that we have moved to the country. Tom, and Chestnut. Both boys, brothers even. About 6 months old. So they play all the time. The other night, I was in the barn working on something, and they were running all over the place, being nuts. We have this little trampoline for the girls to jump on, one of the jogger kinds from Target. Tom was on top of the trampoline, Chestnut was under it. Chestnut knew that Tom was somewhere around, but for the little kitty life of him he couldn't figure out where exactly his brother was. Which, of course, was two inches directly overhead. So, Chestnut comes sneaking out from under the trampoline slowly, crawling with his tail sticking straight up in attack mode. Tom, patiently, waits and watches. Just a Chestnut clears the edge of the trampoline, Tom attacks. He launches himself into the air with all four paws out like wings on an airplane, using his brother as the landing strip. He lands on Chestnut just like one of the old westerns where the cowboy jumps on his horse, and the two of them are off across the floor. Tom is whooping and yelling things like "Yee Haa!" and "Get up, cowpoke!" Chestnut is just scared silly and running for his life. Finally, Chestnut runs out of steam and they both fall over and wrestle to the death.

Of course, I'm laughing my head off the whole time. It's literally one of the funniest things I've seen in person for a long time. At least since Mike Farnsley ran through the fountains at Kings Island, but that's a whole other story.

Here's what I realized. If I can laugh like that at two cats just being themselves; two cats that I had nothing to do with creating or bringing into being; then how much must God laugh with us? I mean, I just feed the little guys, pet them, and make sure they are safe from the big black cat that prowls our fields. God actually creates each of us everyday. He has to laugh and chuckle at us just being who He makes us to be.

That's comforting. I want my Dad to laugh with me. Actually, laugh at me is more accurate. Not in that second grade mean kind of way. In that "those darn cats" kind of way. He loves me, and actually adores me. It's really strange to write that out, but it's true. Not because I'm a pastor, a dad, or anything else. He loves and cherishes me because that's who He is.

I love that.

So, What's the Plan?

I need God to help me out. Okay, that's not true. I need to listen to what God has known for billions of years. Yeah, that's much more like it.

I am overwhelmed with the needs of families in our community, and how it plays out in their teenagers lives. It's the old feeling of fighting the oncoming flood with nothing more than an umbrella. I feel outmatched, out powered, under equipped, and under resourced. So, I want to turn away from it.

There is so much brokenness, abuse, hurt, anger, hatred, and dispair in people. I've had six suicide threats in the last three weeks. What can I do? What can we do? We're just a church, how can we fix all of society?

Honestly, that's how I feel. That's what I think.

But even as I write this, I am reminded that the battle isn't against other people. It's against powers and spirits and Satan's forces. It is. They are the ones that need beaten back. People need rescued. I can't heal them. But I can fight for them. So, today, I am praying for God to give me the pieces of the Plan that He has. I'm going to seek for them even more this week. What will it hold? I don't know. But He does. That's more than enough.

Pray with me. Pray for the families in our town. Pray for other people to be drawn to His plan. I know there are already dozens working it out. I just need to figure out my role. You need to figure out yours. He is the one who has to solve the problems. We just have to follow.

I Miss Home, Even Though I've Never Been There

I'm in one of those phases where I want to go home. On both levels. I would like to just go home and paint, and repair, and build. I'm a bit tired of ministry right now, and would enjoy an extended time away to just be at my house, in my barn, quietly working. Not sure why. Guess I need to spend some time on that one. That's probably the issue. I'm not really spending time contemplating much right now. I'm in a constant phase of preparation for my next event. My next sermon, lesson, worship night, college class, small group, youth group, game night, event, etc. No rhythm, just run. I don't handle that well.

The other sense of home that I have echoes this. I want to go home, to be free of the cares of this world and with my Dad. No, no it's not a hidden suicide thing. I just want to be with God in a way that is different than right now. I want to be face to face, no distractions, just swallowed up in His presence, love, kindness, grace, hope, joy, peace, and passion.

Usually when I feel like this, it's a gauge telling me I'm running on empty from doing too much. Yep, it's that time again. I'm realizing it as I'm writing it. I need to step away. Okay. I've been at this long enough to not fight it. I'll step away this week. I'll talk to my supervisor and schedule some time away.

Good, I feel better already. What about you? Are you ready to go home? Is it time for a break as well?

Just Some of the Reasons

I realized this morning just how negative I've been lately. I'm not even sure how long it's been going on. I have definitely not been counting my blessings at all. I've been selfish, ungrateful, whiny, and generally a pain in the keister. Wow. That's not fun to admit....

So, here is my list of a few things for which I am grateful:
1. My God: He is so good to me that I can't describe it. That doesn't mean I get off the hook from contemplating it though.
2. My wife: she truly is just second to God. She is a gift, an amazing person, and I do not appreciate her enough.
3. My children: they rock. they are generous, smart, healthy, funny, kind, and they love me like crazy and show it. I've got to return that favor much more expressively.
4. My parents: my mom and Jill's parents are amazing. I can't begin to describe how great they are!
5. My church: we struggle and bump along, and I really enjoy that. I love the fact that we don't have it all together.
6. My health: God is so good to me that little pains hurt. I live so pain free that little things show up on my radar. I'm grateful for that.
7. My home: I absolutely love our new house, with it's creaky floors and dozens of projects to take on. I love the toads in the yard, the owl hooting at night, and the quiet evenings.
8. Our students: we have the best group of students ever.
9. Their parents: it's no surprise the kids are so good when you meet the people raising them.
10. My class at Taylor: its a challenge, and I love and need that. What a gift that I get to teach it. so many more qualified people than me, but yet I get to do it.
11. Indiana: I love the harvest, the sunshine, and the people. It's beautiful in a new way all the time.

Obviously, the list could trail on about comfortable shoes, my friends, and so much more. Many of you would be on this list too, and are. I appreciate you so much for your support and love of me, and for the prayers you offer for me.

I will do better today. I have so many reasons to be grateful.

Tired

I'm tired. No real reason or deep thought to it. I'm just tired. My brain is firing slow, and I'm low on motivation. I find myself jumping from thing to thing this morning, without accomplishing too much. I'm irritable and edgy. Don't you wish you were actually with me face to face right now? :)

BUT, God is more than faithful. Even as I confess how I feel, I can tell He is pouring love and grace into me. I've just got to run and hide in Him. It's so nice to be safe when you are unable to protect yourself well.