Sex Questions from the Edge

Ok, so here is the second set of questions I was given last week at our questions night.  There were lots of questions about sex.  Lots.  Some of them I can answer on here, some I need to answer in person.  Now, I know that you probably are not going to be willing to ask me some of them in person, so here is the next best thing.  You can email me a question if you want, and I will personally email you back (jason@sccconnect.net).  Yeah, I will know it is from you.  If you are worried about that, set up an email address without your name in it, and send it through that.  Or, you can write your question on paper, put it in an envelope, give it to your small group leader, tell them to give it to me without telling me who it's from.  I'll write an answer and give it back to them in an envelope.  They know who its from, but not the question.  I'll know the question, but not who it's from. 

Okay, enough of the secret spy stuff, let's get rolling...

1. "I haven't had sex yet, but there are people in the high school I know who have.  Is there a way for them to start over?  Is so, what is a Bible verse to prove to them they can become pure again?" - Excellent question, and I love your care and love for your friends!  Yeah, they can totally start over.  That's what Jesus is all about, forgiveness and fresh starts.  1 John 1:9 says "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."  That means no matter what we have done, if we admit to God that we done the wrong things and want His forgiveness, not only does He forgive us, but He makes us pure again.  We will still have the memories and other things to deal with, but He does make us pure in His eyes.  Then there is the story in the Bible of the lady who was caught having sex with a guy she wasn't married to.  Jesus tells her that He doesn't condemn her, and that she should go and not do that any more in John 8:11.  The big point there is once we accept God's forgiveness, we have to change how we live our lives, and what we do.  Keep encouraging your friend that there is forgiveness, hope, and love if they will begin to trust God with all of these things.

2. "Why do they tell us to wait till marriage to have sex when you can still get STD's, marriage or no marriage?" - I'm not sure who the "they" is in this question, but I can tell you why I tell you to wait.  It has little to do with STD's.  They are serious, and bad, but there are much more common, and worse things to deal with when you have sex outside of marriage (broken hearts, destroyed relationships, guilt, and more).  If you only have sex with your husband/wife, and they only have sex with you, then you won't get an STD.  If one of you fools around, either before or during marriage, then you are both at risk.  The STD idea is to be a virgin, and marry another person who is a virgin.  That is the STD prevention that you are talking about.  But I don't think that is the biggest reason to hold onto your virginity.  It's a big one, but not the biggest one.

3. "Do you know if going past 3rd base at 13 is okay, because she is hot." - Dude, I'm sorry, but no, it's not okay.  Sex isn't about what the other person looks like.  I know you've been told 100 times a day for the last 10 years it is, but you've been lied to.  It's not.  It never has been, and it never will be.  When we turn sex into simply about how hot someone is, we end up really messed up emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  It breaks us.  It's like using dynamite to unclog your toilet.  It will work for a minute, but the mess afterwards is HUGE.  Okay, maybe that's a gross example, but you get the point.  God's plan for sex is really great, and it's supposed to be a powerful thing.  But when we mess around outside of His boundaries, we always pay for it.  I don't even have to address the age part of the question, because sex is about marriage, love (like you read about in 1 Corinthians 13:4,5), and commitment, which are not what the average 13 year old is signing up for.  I'm begging you to back up, and reign things in.  You are not going to like where this path takes you.

Okay, I got a couple of other questions, but they are about HOW to have sex, which is really for your parents to explain.  If they won't, then talk to me or your small group leader.  We will try to talk about it as painlessly as we can.  There were some other questions about sex that are specific to guys or girls, and I'm not sure I should answer them here either.  BUT, like I wrote about at the intro, I am very willing to answer them.  I just need to know who to get the answers back to.  Trust me, I will NOT embarrass you if you ask me a tough question.  I promise.  Give it a shot!

I'll post some more questions about hurting ourselves, friendships, and more tomorrow.  Feel free to send me more questions if you have them too.

Dating Questions from the Edge

Last Wednesday we did a "Questions Night" where everyone could ask whatever questions they wanted.  Since we had just finished a series on dating, we had a lot of dating and sex questions.  I thought I'd quickly answer some here.

1. "What should I say to someone who wants to go out with me and I can't because my mom and dad say I can't?" - Don't lie to them.  If you are not interested in them, the best way to handle it is to just tell them that you really like them as a friend (if that's true) and you are not interested in dating them.  If you do like them, explain to them that you like them, but that you are not allowed to date.  Ok, I know both of these answers are tough, and require a ton of guts to be honest about.  But, being honest is always the least painful way to handle these relationship issues.  It's worth it to shoot straight with someone.

2. "What do you do when he calls his friend asking for another girls number?" - I assume you mean your boyfriend did this behind your back.  Simply ask him why.  There may be a good reason for it.  Homework info, getting the number for a friend, or some other reason.  Or maybe not.  Let him have a chance to explain, and watch to see if he's being honest.  If you doubt him, talk to him about it.  You have to be up front and honest about this stuff.

3.  "When you want to break up with someone, how?" - Great question!  Be honest with them, and try to be as kind as you can. Don't lie to soften the pain, and don't be mean to get even.  Just tell them the truth.  Often, if you write it out first, and re-read it, you can figure out the best way to tell them.  You need to tell them in person, and at a time where they don't have to deal with during class.  Tell them so they have a chance to deal with it outside of school.

4. "Why do kids always say different stuff when they are not allowed to date?" - Often, it's just because they are embarrassed because they can't.  Their friends have put some stupid pressure on them that they are "supposed" to be dating, and they can't, so they feel insecure.  So, they make up stories about why they aren't dating to try and cover it up.  First off, there is no age at which you are "supposed" to date.  That's crazy!  And secondly, there is nothing wrong with telling someone you are not allowed to.  You aren't allowed to drive yet either, and that's no big deal.  Anyone who teases you about is way immature, and their opinion isn't worth getting worked up over.

5. "Why do guys and girls only go out with people if they're hot?" - We've been taught that this is what matters, and that it makes us more important if we have a hot boyfriend or girlfriend.  Honestly, it doesn't mean anything.  Just look at all of the attractive people who date someone just because they have money.  That's not about love, or about how great the person is.  The hot person is with the other one just to get their money.  It's no big deal what other people think your boyfriend or girlfriend look like.  Friendship matters more than anything.

6. "I think God is not real because every time I ask a girl out they say "no" or "you're gross".  Please explain to me how that happens." - Man, I'm sorry.  This honestly has much less to do with whether or not God is real, and more about the girls you are asking out.  How are you picking who to ask?  Are they good friends first, or are you picking them because of their looks, reputation, or what?  If you are asking out girls who are good friends, then ask them why they said no.  Sometimes we get turned down because of simple things we can change, sometimes its just the other person doesn't feel about us the way we feel about them.  EVERY guy has been there, man.  I promise.  God's plan for you goes way past whether or not you can get a date in middle school.  He loves you, and has created you to be an amazing man who accomplishes great things if you follow Him.  Don't give up on Him, He will never give up on you.  I promise.

7.  "What do you do if a girl asks you to come over to her house?  Do you have sex with her or just hang out?  I don't know what to do." - Whew, man, this is a tough one.  Did the girl ask you to come over when her parents weren't there?  Is this a girl you've known long?  Is this a friend, or what?  There is nothing wrong with hanging out at a girl's house, with some basic guidelines.  Do your parents know where you are going, and who is going to be there?  Are her parents home and aware you are coming over?  What are the plans when you show up?  Why do you want to go?  Listen man, I know this sort of stuff is hard to figure out, but the Bible talks about this some.  Proverbs chapters 5 and 7 talk about hooking up with someone, and what an incredible price you end up paying for it.  My advice is if you are in doubt about what is going to go on while you're there, or about who will or won't be there, then DON'T GO!  If you find yourself tempted to lie about the situation, then DON'T GO!  It's super risky with huge consequences.  God's plan for you is way better than this.